“I blame the parents,†people say, when a child grows up to be. . . well. . . a little odd. But I wonder how many here attribute their interest in male-controlled relationships to their parents. I have written about my grandparents' marriage, but my parents have a lot to answer for too. My parents have mellowed a lot now, but they used to be sticklers for formal English etiquette and good manners, and you have to read this story in the light of that fact to understand my astounded reaction. I remember a family party once in which there were so many people present that when my mother came into the room, there was no free chair for her.
1. Intro
2. I wish this had been the case in my family!
My guess would have been that she would have gone to get a chair from another room. What she actually did – without the faintest trace of any self-consciousness, embarrassment, or irony – was to glide into the room and kneel down and sit at my father's feet, saying something like, “Well this is quite appropriate. This is where I should be.†I had to pick my jaw up off the floor! It was so unapologetically and blatently submissive! Do you have any such memories of strikingly statements or actions on the part of your parents – one that might have had an effect on you in your formative years?
3. Being overcome
I don't think a woman can actually be overcome though unless she wants to be. If your mother didn't want to be and your father had tried that, it would have got him nowhere. Spanking a woman who just doesn't want to be spanked would probably just piss her off. It might have made your parents marriage worse rather than better.
4. Suicide and selfishness
I think it depends on the mental state of the person comitting suicide. If the person is in their right mind, then I think they should consider the effect that it will have on those left behind. The surviving relatives and friends must inevitably be left wondering what, if anything, they could have done to prevent the suicide, why the person committing it didn't tell them how unhappy he was etc. I know if any of my children committed suicide I would be absolutely devestated, I would spend the rest of my life wondering what I could have done to prevent it, I would never, never get over it. "Why, why, why?" I would be asking that question until I died. If it's clinical depression then I suppose that it's really difficult to overcome the impulse to do it unless you're on medication. But then I think I'd try to make sure that the suicidal person did take his medication. Better to have him alive on medication than dead off it, I think would be my thought. As for this kneeling at the feet thing, I don't really fancy it myself. But then I'm not into feet at all. I don't want to kneel at anyone's feet, and I don't want anyone kneeling at mine either. I'm just not a foot person.
5. Physically Lower
I am new here- trying to read all these fascinating posts. My husband and I are trying to work on making this mode of thinking work for us. It makes so much sense~ so natural, etc. I am glad I found this place. (I thought I was a freak, but since coming here I feel a little better) (I'm still a freak, just not a lonely one anymore!!! HA HA!!). Anyway, I can relate to the "physically lower" part of Sarah's post. I don't sit at my husbands' feet, (not that I wouldn't, I just haven't ever thought of it,) however, he does like me to sleep lower than him in the bed. My pillow goes beneath his arm, so that when I lay on it my head is just below his chest, my arm wraps around his belly. That is how we sleep every night. I realize this would never work for some people, because they need space when they sleep, or for various other reasons, but we like to be close and sleep wrapped around each other most of every night. The hardest part of this is when I am upset with him (or pouting), he still requires me to snug right up to him like this, like it or not. It's a hard thing to overcome, because when I am mad at him, the last thing I want to do is TOUCH him. But of course, if he puts his foot down, which lately he is getting very good at, I do it. ;~}
6. Subtle control
My mother likes to pretend she's in charge. My late father controlled her in subtle ways and let her bluster around and make noise like she was large and in charge. However when push came to shove things were done the way he wanted them to be. This pattern is repeated in her current relationship with my step-father. As kids we knew who and is the dominant partner and she did/does too, but for some reason her pride requires her to bluff and bluster before giving in. I chose to begin engaging my husband in a deferential manner because my old approach was simply not working and this does. We're happy, we don't have many disagreements and when we do they are not of the scorched earth variety that take so long to heal from. As opposed to my parents relationship, I like that everything is out in the open without all the subtle undercurrents to interperet. So yes I had the example from my parents albeit far more complex than the way I choose to engage my husband.
7. Finding comfort there.
The other night I had more burdens than I could handle. Worries over nearly adult children, work troubles, mother troubles and a friend in the hospital with an illness that is very complex and potentially life threatening. After dinner the seating arrangements in the living room were such that I couldn't sit by my husband. Normally when I'm feeling overwhelmed and lost I'll lie on the couch and put my head in his lap but our teenage sons were taking up that end of the couch so finally in desperation I just dropped to my knees in front of him and put my head on one of his knees and said "I've just had such a terrible day!" I think I frightened everyone. Hubby just stroked my hair and in a few minutes he announced "I think it's time for bed!" I'm sure the kids were thinking "Whoa! What's wrong with Mom?!" They both made sure to hug me goodnight which as teenagers is not as common a bedtime ritual as it used to be. Regardless of their reactions, I needed comfort and found it kneeling at my husband's feet. What message this sends to my sons, I can't say. I hope that it sends the message that a husband sometimes needs to be a port in the storm for his wife and if she needs to express it at his feet then that should be ok with him.
8. Gone With the Wind
So maybe your mother was secretly yearning for a dominant man then? That's sad. But then Rhett Butler doesn't get it right, does he? There's Scarlett all glowing and happy after their night of passion together and he just sweeps in and starts being horrible to her and ruins it all. He doesn't even notice that she is all aglow and that now is the moment to move in and make her his. Instead he starts being vile. And then he takes their daughter and goes off travelling, leaving her to start yearning over Ashely again. Hopeless.